March 27, 2010 5:00 A.M.
I had such a pretty dream Mama.
A dream so different from those terrible frightening ones I had as a little girl.
We were at a place, similar to the assisted living. I was down by the cafeteria area and I overheard someone say that the room would be available soon because the lady there was about to die. They were just waiting for the family to all arrive. I ran down to your room. Joe was there and I don’t know who else. It seemed like you were dressed in something blue. Your coloring looked different, but not like death, more like you were struggling, almost like you had been working out. I laid my head on your breast and started to cry. You stirred, then opened your eyes. Joe got a really surprised look on his face. You looked at me and then around the room. Your eyes looked so pleadingly at me. I suddenly realized you were trying to comfort me. Your face looked panicked, not because you were afraid to die, but because you couldn’t bear to see me cry. That mother’s love, that protection for a child, was so strong and so real. I said, "Mother it is okay for you to die. Daddy is waiting for you and he wants you to come to him. Really, it is okay for you to go. We want you to go to Dad." You closed your eyes and breathed your last breath.
I awoke from the dream with tears in my eyes and the sweetest, most comforting spirit in my heart. It had all felt so real. I went in the other room and cried and prayed and I knew I had to write my feelings down so I wouldn't forget them.
Mom, I have always felt this inner connection with you. I remember several times calling you after I had just given birth and you would say "I know, I felt labor pains all night." You had some sort of special gift, some call it ESP, but I think it was a spiritual gift from God. It was there when your dear mother died, when Dad got in that car wreck; when I, and I don’t know how many others, were in some kind of crisis, you had the ability to be there in spirit, to offer comfort and share the moment, if you will.
My greatest fear when I was little was of you dying. I dreamed about it on many occasions. I can remember in vivid detail to this day what you were wearing in those dreams. I also remember one night, when I was about 6 years old, of sitting on the floor behind the chair you were sitting in and looking up at you and crying softly. You looked down at me with great concern and asked me what the matter was. I started sobbing, “I don’t want you to die!” You said, “Oh honey, I’m not going to die for a long, long time.” I have often wondered if that is why you have lived so long.
I don’t know if you are gone Mom, but I know your spirit spoke to mine at 5:00 AM this morning. I thank you for that, and I thank Heavenly Father for that. I will find comfort in this moment for many years to come. I miss you. I know I have hurt you at times, I know I have let you down at times. But I know without a doubt that you have forgiven me. Not because I deserve it, but because you are my MOTHER! There is nothing like a mother’s love, except the Father and the Saviors love. And in their grand plan for us, they knew that the best way to portray their love to us was by giving us a mother. I am so very, very thankful they gave me you. I love you Mom. I love to think about the happy reunion you will have on the other side. The reunion with you and Dad will be so sweet. But thinking about the reunion with you and your mother is something that brings unimaginable joy to those of us who witnessed so many times, your deep grief at losing her when you were so young. Thank you for giving me your mother's name. It is not a common name anymore and sometimes I have been teased, but in my heart I have always felt special to carry your mother's name.
I miss you Mom. I have missed you for a long time. We know you are so tired of the struggle of still being here on this earth. You are tired of feeling so confused, of trying to stay positive and not being a burden on anyone. Russ and Laura and their sweet kids have been so good to you and such a comfort to all of us who have wanted to be with you but couldn’t. Thank you Mom, for showing us how to love, how to work, how to care about others, how to forgive, how to have big families and how to grandparent. Thank you for serving so many missions, for standing by our dad through thick and thin and for enduring to the end with a smile on your face. And most importantly to all of us who love you and will remember you with fondness, thank you for teaching us how to have fun. You are always up for a game and could still beat us ‘til the end. How you love to win. You are a true winner in my book Mom!!!!! I love you.
Love Ethel