Tender Mercies
September 29, 2012
We buried Mother a week ago today. This is the first day since her passing that I have been all alone; where I can take time to reminisce, to ponder, and to truly grieve. Sometimes true grieving has to be done all alone, in private.
She said to me so many, many times, “you will never miss your mother until she’s gone.” I thought I could understand what she was saying; just thinking of her being gone was so painful. And I did miss her many times especially in the last few years because her mind was gone. But she was right, the hole I feel now, knowing she is really physically gone, is very deep. I know it will lessen with time and is not near as intense as her pain was because she was so young and her mother was so young when she lost her. But it is a different kind of loss than I have ever felt before, even with Dad’s passing.
I have felt her close by and have had such intense dreams about her every night since she died. I wake up and try to remember them but can’t bring them into focus. They are mostly about getting her funeral arrangements done, and somehow in my dreams, we are not finished yet, we still have more to add to the funeral. I think maybe it is because I have not taken time to sit down and write all the precious memories and tender mercies of this past two weeks. Maybe, it is not finished until it is in writing.
The timing of her death was a true tender mercy. It was no coincidence that Judy and Joe were both back home from their missions. We needed them here to make these past two weeks what they were. They needed to be here for us, for Mom, and for themselves. Although Rhea longed to be here, the fact that she was where she was and the comfort we felt and she felt because of the technology that allowed her to be part of it all, served the Lords purposes in a different way. We may never know how many people she influenced and offered courage to as they talked to her on Skype and felt of her faith and her spirit and realized that you can serve a mission and still be part of major events back home. She truly was with us in a very special way.
I’m so thankful for the sweet time Judy, Jeaneen and I had in St. George a month earlier with Sally and Bill and Mom. I had such a small window of time after Judy got home and before I started back to work that we could make that visit. I knew Mom was declining and was praying so hard for her to pass while we were there. I wanted to be with her so badly when she passed on and I had the faith that if I prayed hard enough it could happen. I slipped into her room by myself one night and lay by her for a long time and sang with her and wept and prayed she would go. But this time the answer was no. I felt frustrated and said several times,” I don’t understand why she couldn’t go then.”
I talked to Sally on a regular basis to get updates on Mom. She kept saying, “She is going downhill.” Amber would keep me posted too. The week before she died, Amber and Peter were there on Sunday. Sally took a sweet picture of them with Mom. On Monday, Mom fell again. This time Sally said it hurt her worse than the other falls. Tuesday I asked Sally what her vital signs were and she had Bill go check them and called me back and said they were normal. I called the temple and had her name put on the prayer roll. Many of us were praying she could go. I had heard that Russell said his prayers were “That she would not have to linger any longer that the Lord felt necessary. “ I liked that and started to pray that way too. On Wednesday Sally said they got a hospital bed and raised the rails to hopefully keep her from trying to get up on her own. On Thursday I talked to Sally after we both got home from work. She said Mom had tried to climb over the rail Wednesday night but Bill heard her and got her back down. Sally was troubled because now they were faced with a tough decision that night, one they didn’t want to make, how to find a way to enclose Mom in the bed so she wouldn’t get up and fall. Sally hadn’t talked to Mom since she got home from work, because Mom was asleep. She said Bill said she had been asleep most of the day. That was the last I heard until the 4:30 AM phone call with the news that Mom had passed away. She never did wake up and they never did have to make that awful decision of trying to enclose her in her bed. She would have hated that and been so distraught. That was such another tender mercy.
As the preparations for Moms funeral started to unfold, I realized that the answer “NO”, to my prayers that Mom passed while we were in St George the month before, had been a gift. My daughters had already booked plane tickets for the next weekend for a mother daughter event in Boise so they could be here. Troy had a small window of time between the early and late beet harvest so he could come. Andy had one week before they had to be out of their home because they just rented it out. All eight of our children were able to be home for the funeral. Jeaneen’s family had not left yet for their long planned cruise. Rhodonna had her surgery behind her and was strong enough to travel. Judy and Rick had all their company gone; they had not been alone since they arrived from their mission. Rhea and Richard were back in their “mission” home after being on the road and without internet service for several days. I don’t know how good or bad the timing was for the others but I truly felt like Mom and a loving Heavenly Father, somehow had a hand in watching out for all of us the best way possible.
As we planned the events, a memorial in Utah was suggested in place of the one in Ontario. The way it unfolded, the decision was made to have one in both places. That ended up being a lot more work but such a blessing for many in Utah who could not travel clear to Ontario. We felt Mom’s hand in that development. Some family that were there that wouldn’t have been otherwise, were Jeaneen's and Rhea's children, Dot and Bob, Bill and Dar, Jon and Carol and kids, Melody Nelson, Lanae and Merril Johnson and families, the Horning family, and more I can’t remember. How sad Mom would have been had they not been a part of her memorial.
After the Utah memorial we were all so exhausted but still had so much planning to do for the actual funeral. I went home and back to work for a few hours. Judy called and said wished I could be working on the funeral program as she was running out of time. I was at my computer and my heart was not yet back at work so I started to try and put one together. Everything just seemed to flow; the words, the pictures, the sentiments, the layout. Again I felt a higher power.
Rhea and Jeaneen had been asked to write the life sketch because they couldn’t be at the funeral. Steve was going to read it in their place since he was the only one of both of their children that would be at the funeral. As I put the program together and re-read who was doing what, I was feeling very troubled that none of the daughter in laws were on the program. That had been one of Moms big concerns, was that her daughter-in-laws not be left out as she felt she had been at her own Mother-in-laws funeral.
I got up early the next morning to write my talk. After prayer, I couldn’t stop thinking that Laura, who had taken such good care of Mom so many years, needed to be on the program. I asked Rod if he would mind if we put her in his place for the closing prayer. He agreed full heartedly. As I went to get ready for work, I was looking through a folder Joe had given me that Rhea had given him with information from Dads funeral. I had looked in it several times searching for the sheet music we wanted to use but this time a half sheet of pink paper caught my attention. It was in Rhea's hand writing and it was Mom’s funeral wishes. It listed several songs, all her children to give comments and at the end it said ”Eulogy, “Laura” “Mom is very concerned that Laura not be left off the funeral program. “
I immediately called Judy and she said she was on Skype with Rhea and they were talking about the possibility of having Laura read the eulogy instead of Steven. I read them what I had just found and that settled it all. We conferenced call Joe and he heartily agreed. Another tender mercy and Mom’s guiding hand.
Saturday, the day of the funeral was the day that my daughters and I had planned for several months to participate in the Women’s Fitness Celebration that happens annually in Boise. I have done it before but never with all my girls and it has always been a goal of mine to make it happen. A lot of money and sacrifice had been poured into it. They decided (with my blessing) to go ahead and do it. We all stayed at Aaron and Michelle’s the night before. Aaron drove them to the starting line and brought them home to speed things up instead of waiting on shuttles. Emily had never trained for the running part, but knew she would have to run or they would never make it to the funeral on time. Somehow she did, and said she felt a higher power carry her along. They had so much fun, were first in line so were able to be seen on the news and in the paper. They even led some cheers before it started with the Channel 7 news people. Even though I missed out, I had my own special morning. I was able to have the quiet of the early morning to prepare for the day, to meditate, pray and get ready for my Mom’s funeral, stress free. It was just what I needed and was so thankful for. I felt my Mom very close.
Because of the race, my children and spouses were all running late and rushing to get to the funeral. Sherie got pulled over for speeding, but another tender mercy, she was not cited. They all made it to the viewing only minutes before the family prayer and closing of the casket. Another tender mercy.
I had been in charge of getting the musical numbers arranged. I had asked Harmony and Natalie to do a duet. They had practiced a short time after the Utah memorial but that was all. Natalie ended up calling saying she couldn’t come, Harmony agreed to sing solo. Later Natalie worked things out so she could come but we had already changed the program so decided to leave it with Harmony doing a solo. I don’t know how it would have turned out with Natalie in, probably fine, but Harmony sounded so beautiful, it added such a depth to the funeral, I can’t help but think it turned out just how it was supposed to. “You’ll never miss your mother until she’s gone,” was such an important song to Mom, I can’t imagine she didn’t have a hand in how it was sung at her funeral.
The funeral talks were all so well done, such a tribute to Mom at the same time such a marvelous sermon on the plan of salvation. So many descendants were touched and so many testimonies strengthened. Mom and Dad were undoubtedly both close by and smiling.
The family reunion after the luncheon was a happy time, so fun and in keeping with many Johnson reunion traditions. The sunrise service the next morning and in keeping with Roberts reunion traditions, was a miracle in itself and has been expressed so well by Russ and Sally. I loved the analogy expressed as the clouds hid the sun except for a brief moment, that it was like Moms life, she was behind the veil, then shone forth on earth for a season, bright and beautiful, then disappeared again behind the veil through her passing, but she is still there and will shine forth again in all her glory when the clouds are gone.
After the sunrise service our family headed to Trent and Brookes for Sunday dinner. Andy and Natalie and Troy and Kara had to head for their homes. They stopped by our home to pick up some garden food. Troy went ahead of Andy. Later when Andy and Nat got back on the road they had a tire blow out on the freeway. Andy was having a hard time getting it changed; it fell off the jack and other problems. Then he saw a car stop and back up. It was Troy. He had stopped to get potatoes so he was behind Andy instead of ahead of him. Andy was so thankful for a big brothers help. Another tender mercy.
When we got home that night, we just had Emily, Amy and Amber with us. Amy looked sad, she had not been acting herself and I got her off alone. She started to cry. “I’m pregnant!” she lamented. She had just found out the night before when she took a pregnancy test at Trent and Brookes. She said she was afraid to tell me because she thought I would be upset. I told her she did not know her mother very well if she thought that. Of course, I am worried, she has such hard pregnancies and Abigail just turned one. She hadn’t planned to get pregnant again, especially so soon. That is a whole other spiritual story that is not mine to share. But she did say that when she found out and she couldn’t get a hold of Austin to tell him and she was crying her eyes out, she felt the sweet comfort of her Grandma Roberts. She believes there was a reason she found this out on the day of Grandma’s funeral. She said she had never felt much connection to Grandma before and didn’t have as many sweet memories as her older siblings have. But now she felt connected in a very special way. I told her if anyone was there to comfort her, it would have been Grandma and Grandpa. They were both the biggest cheerleaders when another child was to be born. Great Grandma Amy Roberts who Amy was named after, laid her life on the line against Dr. orders each time she added another child to her large family. Grandma Roberts also laid her life on the line against Dr. advice as she gave birth to her last two. Her mother Ethel who she was named after with her middle name, laid her life on the line when she gave birth to Andy. Amy may be laying her life on the line but she has guardian angels looking after her. Another tender mercy.
We had a special day together Monday before Amy and Amber left for the airport. We got that shopping trip in and lunch together. Emily stayed one more night. She had a tender mercy getting her luggage arranged to get off the plane in Chicago with her when her flight was actually ending in Wisconsin. I won’t share the details of that, but it was definitely another tender mercy.
The Lord moves in a mysterious way, his wonders to perform. He is real, his love is real and families are forever!